she woke up with a sticky ear
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
