you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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