were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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