you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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