Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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