I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
This is my life. Enjoy the view
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
