Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
