I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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