Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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