1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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