I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
