two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
