o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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