Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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