I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
