Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
