No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
