Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
