I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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