if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
