Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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