My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
