I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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