I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
