So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I cut my penus on the lid.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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