well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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