This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
