I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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