i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Do you remember whose house we're in?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
