six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
