Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She told me I should be a condom model.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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