and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
