she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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