Pants 0. Shit 1.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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