im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
