Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
