My room smells like vodka and shame
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
