I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
