My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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