I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
