I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Can I color on your dick again?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
