She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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