Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I believe in your delicious
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
