I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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