My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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