He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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