Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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