The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
