It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
