Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
