just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
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I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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