the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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