He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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