I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
